Black Beard in Boston

By Annie

In a stunning turn of events, Black Beard and his crew gained the temporary ability to travel in time. However, not knowing how precisely to use their time machine, they accidentally set the clock to April 1, 2006...location, Boston, Massachusetts. This is the tale of their eventful docking in Boston Harbor.

"What great land be this?" Black Beard asked, surveying the harbor. Luckily for them, when they traveled forward in time, they were also magically dressed garb current to the time, so innocent Bostonians would not be terrified at the sight of pirates docking in their quiet port. (The fact that Black Beard himself is a wookie, and his crew are various strange creatures, is a fact that somehow goes unnoticed by civilians during this adventure. Presumably, Bostonians are too jaded or too busy getting excited for opening day at Fenway to wonder about this.)

Green Ears the Wise surveyed the scene. "Aye...this land be Boston. I've heard tales in the prophecy about this land. It started off as one of the first settlements in this place called America. But now here in the future, it is filled with people who think they are very smart, and walk very very quickly to where they need to be."

"What great adventures can we be having here?" Black Beard asked, looking disdainfully at his jeans and Red Sox t-shirt. "And me not be liking this new garb."

"But you'll fit in with the rest of the townsfolk," said White Fuzz the Fury. He was dressed in khakis and a polo shirt with the collar popped, and his pirate hat was replaced with a blue cap emblazoned with a red B.

"I have heard of a monster that lives here," Green Ears said. "They call him the Green Monster."

"Well, then we be havin' our mission!" exclaimed Black Beard. "White Fuzz, come with me, and we be slayin' this Green Monster."

The two left the ship and started off in search of the Green Monster.

They started following a red line that was painted on the ground. Signs proclaimed it to be the Freedom Trail. "Surely we be findin' the Green Monster if we stay on this path," said Black Beard.

As they continued, they passed a statue of a great man. White Fuzz looked at the plaque. "His name is Samuel Adams. I wonder what great monsters he vanquished to receive such an honor?"

A young scallywag next to him answered. He was wearing a Boston University sweatshirt. "Dude, he makes beer!"

"A purveyor of ale?" Black Beard asked, intrigued. "This is a wonderful port!"

They walked for awhile on the Freedom Trail, with no sign of the Green Monster. Black Beard was starting to worry, when he accidentally bumped into a young woman, knocking her to the ground. "Aye! I be sorry, maiden."

"It's okay," she said, and got to her feet and looked at them curiously. "Hey, are you lost?"

"Aye, miss. We be lookin' for the Green Monster." Black Beard said.

"Green Monster? You going to the game? You're definitely in the wrong place. You need to get to Fenway. Just hop on the T and go to Kenmore." the girl answered.

Black Beard and White Fuzz stared at her, uncomprehending.

"All right, I'll take you," she said. "Do you have tickets?" They shook their heads. "We'll have to pay scalpers. Do you have any money?" Black Beard pulled some gold out of his pocket. The girl's eyes grew big. "Well, we'll have to stop in Chinatown and sell those," she said. "But you'll have enough."

As they followed her, Black Beard asked her, "What be your name, fair maiden?" The girl frowned. "I don't know about fair. But my name is Annie. I'm a librarian."

"Annie the Librarian! Lead us on our quest!"

She blinked again. "You are some weird dudes."

After selling Black Beard's gold at a store in Chinatown, Annie the Librarian led Black Beard and White Fuzz to the subway. They were very excited about riding the train, which was quite different from their ship. Once they got off the train, Annie the Librarian led them to a huge crowd, in front of a coliseum of sorts.

"Aye, what be this structure?" Black Beard asked, in awe.

Annie smiled. "It's Fenway. Nice, huh? Best ballpark in America! The Green Monster is inside."

Black Beard and White Fuzz took in the crowd as Annie squabbled with ticket scalpers. "Well, they were expensive, but we got tickets," she said. "Come on."

Annie led them into the park. Black Beard stopped at the beer stand. "Ale!" he cried. "Is this the ale made by the great Samuel Adams?"

"We have Sam," the beer vendor said warily. Black Beard and White Fuzz bought many glasses, and gulped it down. Annie was in shock. "You just spent about four hundred dollars in beer!"

"I be likin' this Sam." Black Beard said groggily.

Annie the Librarian sighed. "Come on! We missed the first pitch."

"Where's the Green Monster???" Black Beard asked, swaying back and forth.

"Inside! Hurry up, Schilling's pitching!"

They entered the park and found their seats. Black Beard looked around. "Where's the Green Monster? I must vanquish him!"

Annie looked at him. "Vanquish? What are you talking about? It's that wall over there."

"Wall??? Wall??? The Green Monster is a wall? I thought he be a terrible demon." Black Beard said, downing another beer.

"Nope. I don't know where you get your info. It's that wall. Wicked expensive to get tickets on the Green Monster."

Black Beard suddenly spied something on the corner of the field. "What be that?" He saw something green and fuzzy and monster-ish.

Annie looked, a bit nervous now. "That's just Wally. He's the mascot. Not a monster."

Black Beard jumped up and drew his sword. "That be lookin' like a monster to me! Come, White Fuzz!"

Annie tried to pull him back. "No! No! You'll get arrested. He's just a guy in a costume! Now yell, 'Yankees suck' and sit down!"

But a drunken Black Beard and White Fuzz paid her no mind, and leapt down on to the field. They actually got a few blows into Wally, before they were attacked by security.

And that is how Black Beard and White Fuzz learned what the Boston City Jail was like.

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 9

BLACK BEARD

As I finished the last of my sweet grass log, Allerosa slipped into my tent. She walked over to one of the sheepskin chairs and sat down.

"I have some new information I think you will be interested in," she said very quietly. "My spies have finally been able to give me the reports I requested without causing Missandei to be suspicious."

"Well lass, out with it," I said leaning forward.

"Apparently Missandei plans to use this host to attack Naoma and the Mad Goat. While she is telling us all it will bring peace to the island, she is planning to enslave us. The Ruffians are the only warriors on this island that know how to defeat the dragons. She promised us all local rule without her interference when Naoma was put down, but my little flies tell me a different tale. They say she and Turceda openly talk of us as slaves. Her dragons only grow after feasting on human flesh. They do not require it to stay alive, but only to grow."

This shocks me, even though I have been suspecting some kind of treachery from Missandei. "How reliable are your flies?" I ask her trying not to show my alarm.

"They are reliable enough to also know that she takes part in the flesh eating. Missandei plans to capture Naoma alive to feast her monsters," Allerosa confided her eyes tearing. "She believes that by eating Naoma's heart, she will be able to birth new hatchlings. Her three are the last of the Celebritees breed, the only breed to grow to a size large enough to ride. Her grandfather's conquest of this island was not prompted by the "Great Doom", but rather he was exiled for condoning flesh-eating."

"How do your flies know this?"

"They infiltrated Missandei's household eight moons ago as servants. By working hard, they maneuvered themselves into gentler work as Missandei's attendants." Allerosa paused to check for anyone listening to our conversation and lowered her voice. "I have commanded them to remain with her until Naoma has been defeated. We should not fight the Ruffians after Naoma falls. They may be our only hope at restoring peace to the island and remaining free. Oh Black Beard, what should we do?"

"Well Allerosa, this will take some careful thought and planning. I must consult Green Ears the Wise. He should have some idea of how to defeat dragons," I said waiting for her reaction. If she gets angry with waiting, she may need to be left in the dark about some of my maneuvers.

"I think that is an excellent idea. We have plenty of time before we march on Naoma, and the battle will take many days. Consult Green Ears and any other members of your crew you feel can help. My only request is that you do not betray my loyal friends for their part in this matter. They are the only protection we have right now and I know Missandei distrusts me more every day. Please Black Beard swear it to me," she insisted, her eyes shining with fear at the thought of harm coming to her friends.

"You have my word lass. I'll need your help to relay a message to my crew on board my ship. We may be needing them before this is over and I want them at oars. The message must not fall into Missandei's hands or they could be captured before they can help us."

"It will reach them, I swear it," Allerosa said standing to leave my tent. "I'll be taking my leave of you now before Missandei returns to camp. Have your message ready before daybreak and it will reach your crew."

"Sweet dreams Allerosa," I said as she slid through the door.

This news of Missandei's ulterior motives disturbs me. I've seen the power of the giant sea dragons and I can't believe the Celebritees will be anything less when tested. My crew must hasten to summon our comrades so they can make their way to the coast. If I can bring my entire crew onto Lexapidis and borrow a decoy crew for a spell, we may stand a chance.

I can feel the sweet grass coaxing me into sleep. I be needin' to be lyin' down before I be fallin' down. Until next time ye scalliwags.

Allerosa

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 8

TURCEDA

The feeding had ended. Missandei turned to me and said, "Now it is time to release the treat."

I turned to the frightened boy. He looked rather pale and pathetic at this point. His dark hair was plastered to his forehead by sweat. His face was a mixture of dirt and clean streaks from his tears. I unbound his hands and feet, being careful to make sure he didn't escape. We were two leagues from camp, so if he did escape, it would only add to the dragons' excitement. They preferred to feast on running quarry.

When the boy slumped to the ground and refused to move, I kicked him in the side and pulled him to his feet. The night was dark and cloudy. The dragons were getting restless and Davahoss began snorting flames at the sight of the boy.

I told the treat, "If you can outrun the dragons, you will live. If not, you will suffer a death of fire and consumption. There is a lake in that direction", I said pointing away from the camp, "If you can reach it, you may survive."

The prospect of living brought the boy back to life. Like the fools before him, he believed he would be able to escape Missandei's terrors. Luckily, the wind was blowing in that same direction, which meant that the odor of charred flesh would not reach the camp. The boy took off running and stumbling through the dark to flee the feasting.

Missandei held the dragons back until he had a hundred meter head start. Then she turned with sparkling eyes and sweetly called, "Dragon treat," to Davahoss, Ronnamoss, and Chuknoross. Taking long strides they ran, pursuing their prey. Davahoss was the first to take flight, followed closely by Chuknoross. Ronnamoss took wing and the three began flapping their leathery wings through the dark clouds in pursuit of the boy.

The terrain was flat enough for us to see the feasting. It began with Ronnamoss cutting the boy off by landing in front of him. Chuknoross was close behind and slapped the boy to the ground as he landed. Davahoss completed the circle of dragons, and they all started to spit dragon fire at the morsel. The burning and the screams began. The boy called to the god, his mother, and finally to us to save him. His screams were cut short by Davahoss who decapitated him with one bite. Ronnamoss and Chuknoross each grabbed a flaming arm and tore the body in two like a misshapen wishbone. While they were each devouring the arms and torso, Davahoss stepped in to claim the legs and feet from each half.

Quickly they returned to Missandei with the bloody heart of the boy. She held it in both hands, squeezing it and giggling as the remaining blood drained out onto the ground. The dragons screamed in a shrill pitch as they watched her chew the heart. After a few bites, she cut the remains into three pieces and hand fed each of her sons.

After cleansing Missandei and the dragons' faces with water, we returned to the camp.

Davahoss


Chuknoross


Ronnamoss

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 7

Editor's note: Black Beard and Turceda have parted ways in this logue. Thanks to some careful financial overtures toward Missandei, she has agreed to allow Turceda to continue scribing their side of the tale. Part of our agreement is that neither she nor Black Beard will receive any summaries of what the other is submitting.

TURCEDA

When Missandei rode up to the camp, I could see that her blue eyes were tired. Her attendant's had arrived the day before to prepare her flame red pavilion for her arrival. Water was already heating in an iron kettle over a small campfire. I accompanied my mistress as she dismounted and entered her pavilion.

After wiping the dust from her face with a wet cloth, she said, "Turceda, tell me what Black Beard has been doing since leaving Valaria."

So, I told her of our journey to Bonoba, the death of Amuhl, the excessive smoke-fests, and the recent battle with the Southern Snow Monster. She listened very closely, her eyes narrowing as I continued my tale.

"So, Black Beard has taken a liking to the Bonoban sweet grass? And on top of that, he is drowning himself in grog," she murmured quietly. "Keeping him intoxicated should keep him well under my control. I'll need him to do as I ask without thinking on it. If he were ever to learn the true nature of our grievances with the Ruffians, he might not be so inclined to be fighting on our side. Have Allerosa and Willas arrived yet?"

"Allerosa arrived two days past. Naoma the Large has Willas's force pinned to the west of the Ungris River. He will not be able to join us in the attack from this side of the Stronghold. Our messengers are still able to break the line of scouts Naoma has posted on the Northern Side of the Bellvillis River by sailing into the Bay of Males Internationales. Willas also sends word of a force massing near the Thorny Forest."

Knowing that my master would be displeased with what I said next, I paused. "Willas insists that we hasten our attack on Naoma, so that his forces do not get caught in a stranglehold between Naoma's cohorts and the Ruffian army."

"Oh, Willas insists, does he?" she snarled with contempt. "It's not like the Charlottans would be that big a loss. I'm sure that plenty of those weavers have defected to Naomida already. The Naomidans can become weavers if apprenticed to them. I will not risk the advantages we've gained over the fate of slaves. We will attack Naoma when we are certain of victory, and not before. It will take time to deploy the regiments to their locations." Missandei's eyes were flashing, their blue oscillating from ice to midnight. "

"We can always breed new slaves," her rage subsiding now, "Has Black Beard been talking to the Naomidans?"

I could see that giving Missandei a false answer here would result in another session of having every other feather plucked from my secondary tail feathers. "Yes. We are lucky that the Charlottans and the Naomidans still see themselves as allies rather than slaves. The Bonobans of course are too high on their foliage to even contemplate that they will one day answer to Valaria. The Naomidans have been regaling the pirate with tales of Naoma's love for cannibalism. Like most, flesh eating repulses Black Beard. He seems more allied to our cause than ever."

"Yes, Naoma is a blight that should have been removed long ago. I'm relieved that the ruse of alliance is still holding with our fellow Lexapidites. Torturing that group of Ruffians into attacking their lands and then offering them aid has worked its magic. Soon there will be no question of legitimate authority or ownership on this island."

At this she giggled, her smile the self-satisfied sort of facial expression that can only come from the feeling of power over the fate of others. "It is getting late Turceda. Summon my hand servants to fill the tub and bring me my babies. The last few days have been too dry and cool for them. Davahoss has developed peeling scales, Ronnamoss is wheezing when he flames, and Chuknoross hasn't eaten more than a sheep's stomach in the last two days. The hot water will rejuvenate them and make the feeding go easier."

"How aged would you like their after-milk treat to be?"

"I saw a strapping 10 year old as I entered camp. He should provide enough meat to satisfy them after dinner. Just make sure this one stays alive until the feeding is over," Missandei warned.

"As you wish my lady," I whispered as I bowed and exited.

* * * * *

BLACK BEARD

Well, when I be seein' the dragon mother ridin' up, I be tellin' Turceda that I best be keepin' me own logue while she be here. Missandei will be needin' Turceda to be keepin' her accounts, and the pirates code be urgin' me to be takin' back over me logue. A captain should be keepin' a captain's logue, not a giant mutant turkey of sorts. "Ye be passin' the sweet grass me way if ye be wantin' to be stayin' outta me brig Long Ears," I said to Long Ears.

I be takin' the rest of the log as me own before I be continuin'...

Ah, much better. Ever since we arrived on Bonoba, the sweet grass has been gifting me with insight into many of the things going on around us on this adventure. While I am still a pirate and follow the code, at times its hard to put aside that distinction of being and be able to communicate some of my deeper thoughts and feelings in my logue. The sweet grass forces me to discard my image and become the pirate I truly should be. I can express myself without feeling the pressure to reduce my thoughts to the vocabulary of a pirate. To those around me, I must appear intoxicated, but the truth is that this herb is gifting me with an aptitude toward super intelligence. I realize intelligence is something many consider to be a barrior to successful piracy. This is where they are wrong.

Being a pirate means creating an image of awe and earned fear. It's much easier to pillage a village when the citizens are too afraid of you to resist. Of course this image can only be sustained by accomplishing heroic feats under the eyes of attentive witnesses. In order to voyage to new unspoiled territories and receive the same fearful welcome my crew expects, I have had to use my mind to make it happen. One of the best examples of this is allowing myself to be exploited by my manager/editor. Exploitation and shameless self-promotion are two very effective tools of PR. I doubt that anyone ever thinks about the fact that targets have to be chosen, strategies devised and implemented, fear mongered, and the crew and ship cared for in order to run a successful piracy. Also, projecting the image of being a pirate (and a fairly brutish one at that) helps to obtain information others might not think you can access.

Since our departure from Missandei, I have had time to assess the type of person she is through her servant Turceda. I can tell that they are withholding important pieces of information from me. The Bonobans are too stoned to be useful in probing this secret, but luckily the Naomidans arrived before Missandei. I have learned that the Naomidans and the Charlottans are more closely allied than Missandei knows. I also know that they fear she is somehow instigating this war with the Ruffians.

Until Missandei's father died and she assumed power, these people lived peacefully with the Ruffians. Allerosa tells me that Naoma has always been a concern, but she could be contained.

When the Ruffians descended on the western settlements, both the Charlottans and the Naomidans were shocked. After the first attack, a consortium of Ruffians begged a meeting under the banner of truce. At the meeting, the diplomats explained that the Ruffians had disappeared from the eastern bluffs several months before the attack. The one who managed to survive the battle and retreated told tales of starvation, torture and mutilation at the hands of the Valarians. Ruffian spies had also reported a large number of Ruffians missing from rural settlements close to Valaria.

Allerosa has just entered my tent. I turn to her and ask, "Allerosa, what exactly happened that broke the truce you granted the Ruffians?"

Allerosa's face fell from half-smiling to a grimace. "Naoma, the flesh eater, and her minions descended upon the Ruffians as they began to mount the western foothills. She had found a girl with a very similar appearance to mine own. In the dark, she commanded the girl to lead a party of her best warriors, dressed in the royal livery of Naoma, to attack the diplomats. They allowed one of them to escape on purpose to report the attack as being launched by me. Naoma then sent word to the Mad Goat that I was also mistreating her and she offered her Stronghold as a launch point for their attack and as a bridge of alliance between her cannibals and the Goatmen."

Tears shone in Allerosa's eyes. "Thanks to that fat wildebeest, many of my people have been sacrificed on her bloody plate and the Ruffians hate us." Now she began to weep softly. "She masticated my beloved in her unholy pile of rock. Willas's best advisor was devoured. She chewed him between her massive incisors and then proclaimed herself ruler of Naomida."

"I'm sorry, but I must attend to my scouts. I will return before Cancer crests the horizon." She turned and slipped out of the tent.

Reports of this nature and the bloodlust exuding from Missandei's eyes, makes me question what is really happening on this island. I think that my crew and I need to figure out what is really going on before we face the Ruffians. Everyone is in agreement that Naoma must be put down, so that fight will need to commence

The sweet grass be startin' to be wearin' off. I must send Long Ears in search of another log. Allerosa and me be discussin' many a reports later, and I be needin' the herb to be helpin' me to be sortin' fact from fiction.

Ye scurvy dogs will be hearin' the outcome of these reports soon enough.

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 6

We're here. Let the war begin.

Actually, I was beginning to doubt that Black Beard and his crew would make it considering all of the grog and sweet grass they consumed on the way. One thing I've learned about Black Beard on this journey is that he always delivers.

We arrived at the head of a host of Bonobans; 2,000 Bonobans to be exact. Black Beard inspired them to join my master in the quest to free the Naomidans. As soon as we re-entered Lexapidis, Black Beard spotted a brothel. He demanded that some of the wenches accompany us as camp followers/bed warmers. He of course picked his favorite first. Her name is Lay-ya. Somehow, she seems too well bred for this line of work. I'm not sure what my master will think when she arrives.

Lay-ya (Black Beard's wench)

leiawench.jpg

Black Beard earned his wench as far as I am concerned. Right after we arrived at the rendezvous point, we were attacked by a giant southern Snow Monster. Apparently the creature was drawn to the camp by our fires. Luckily Black Beard had posted scouts, and we knew of the creature before it could reach our main camp. Black Beard took his crew (and I) to cut the creature off.

Southern Snow Monsteryeti.jpg

The creature was as ravenous as it was enormous. Black Beard single-handedly fought him in true pirate style. In fact, Red Face happened to catch the final moments of the battle with some kind of recording device.

The beast was slain and we feasted on its corpse. I have to say I've had better cuisine. Achtung was very impressed with Black Beard's feats and this helped reassure the Bonobans that they made the right decision in joining our cause. Now if Black Beard and his crew can take down Naoma the Large and the Ruffians as easily as he defeated the southern Snow Monster, we'll all have cause to rejoice. Achtung is now a firm believer in Black Beards legendary reputation and skills.




Achtung, a High Priest of Bonobaachtung.jpg

Until my master Missandei arrives, the smoke-fests continue and Black Beard and his crew will get sloshed on grog. I can only hope my master has devised a good battle plan

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 5

After three long days of celebrating in Bonoba, we finally have word of Amuhl. Unfortunately, the word is not good. Apparently during his travels in the Rattle and Hum ceremonies, Amuhl stumbled across one of Lexapidis's most famous legends - the giant Haydens. Haydens were thought to have become extinct on Lexapidis several hundred years ago. Haydens of course arose from Lake Haydis and journeyed to coastal areas, as far from the mountains as possible. The Ruffians were more than capable of dealing with the Haydens and often shooed them into the Salt Sea. Scholars have maintained that they believe the giant Haydens migrated to a larger continent and are still in existence there, but no one has any proof of this theory. Every artist has at one point tried to capture the essence of the Haydens with their glowing clubs, but the most famous version portrays the king of the Haydens standing on a beach.

King of the Haydens

haydens.jpg

Apparently, Amuhl was not looking where he stepped after a huge smoke-fest and woke one off the southern coast of Bonoba. The Haydens, not knowing of Amuhl's importance carried him into the sea as an offering to the Naked Mother. By the time Amuhl's companions realized he was missing, the Haydens was already too far off the shore. Amhul's companions watched helplessly as he was cut down by the Haydens.

Black Beard's reaction to this news shocked me. He said, "Well, I expect that we must make due with Achtung. Achtung, where are the missing diplomats?" This was not the Black Beard we all know. Apparently the smoke-fests have altered his manner of speech. After my first grass log experience, I had abstained from the ceremonies, but Black Beard and his crew were quick to join in and add grog to the celebrations.

Achtung responded to Black Beard's question by saying, "The diplomats arrived with important information for us, but could not remember their purpose after the smoke-fest Amuhl held in their honor. When we asked them when they would return to their homeland, they told us that they had quite forgotten the route, and decided to stay here and become a part of us."

At this point Black Beard turned to me for our purpose. I told the Bonobans of our lady Missandei and our plight against the Ruffians. I pleaded them for assistance in this war for the freedom of Lexapidis.

Achtung looked very thoughtful. He then proposed a smoke-fest to deliberate the Bonobans' participation in our cause. After the smoke-fest, the elder priests gathered to make the decision. They invited Black Beard to join their council having been regaled with his adventures and military prowess. I was not permitted to attend the council, but it did not take the Bonobans long to reach a decision. Achtung agreed to accompany us back to Lexapidis to join my lady's army south of Naomida. Smoke-fests were postponed for the next 3 days while the Bonobans made their travel arrangements.

Black Beard took this time to explain what was going to happen:

"The Bonobans be goin' with me to be joinin' the lass's army. They be bringin' their sweet grass along in hopes it be helpin' me and me crew and the army to be sharp on the toes. I be tellin' them to be gettin' the young strong lads to be goin'. Me crew be trainin' them fightin' skills on their way to the meetin'. If the scurvy dogs can be keepin' up with us, we be reachin' the meetin' very fast. Tell yer lady to be saddlin' up and meetin' me there. We need her council on how to be fightin' this war."

With this logue, I have attached a request for my lady to do as Black Beard wishes. It was so great to hear him sounding like his old self. There must be something in the sweet grass that helps him find the words we normally use. In two days, we will be returning to Lexapidis. Achtung still needs to bless the sacred portrait of Amuhl before we begin the journey back.

Amuhl's sacred portrait

amuhlportrait.jpg

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 4

At first light, we set out for Bonoba. Black Beard and company were in high spirits after sampling some of my master’s grog before embarking on this journey. As we made our way around Lake Tatus, Black Beard’s crew began to get unruly. It started with Black Beard cursing the servants for being “scurvy dogs”. This incident, along with the crew’s hangovers, forced us to stop our journey midday and rest.

We resumed our travels late in the afternoon and surprisingly made it to the Straight of Utoo by evenfall. We set up camp and spent the rest of the night listening to Black Beard’s adventures while he and his crew drank more grog. Luckily Missandei had given them a large cart full of the drink after she realized how much they enjoyed it.

The next morning, we crossed the Bonoban Bridge and began making our way to the heart of Bonoba where the diplomats should have found the high priest Amuhl. When we reached what Bonobans call “The Edge”, we expected to find Amuhl and the Valarian diplomats that had disappeared. Unfortunately, Amuhl was traveling the circumference of Bonoba as part of the Rattle and Hum festivities praising Bono. The Edge was also in the midst of celebration and Black Beard and his crew were taken in to the best lodging Bonoba offered, called the Zooropa Station. Here Black Beard began to ask one of the local priests about the festivities.

Black Beard asks, “So what the celebration be for, me lads?”

The second highest priest in Bonoba, Achtung, began to tell him of their religion:

Our people worship the great god Bono of the heavens called U2. This god has vowed that he will save us all from destroying ourselves through selfishness and Nuklyer wippons. Although we do not understand Nuklyer wippons, we do understand the dangerous of selfishness. Bono has commanded that we set aside a third of our grass harvests for a people called the Nigerians. Through this act of giving to Bono, we prove ourselves unselfish. Amuhl is now traveling Bonoba to give this proclamation directly to the people.

Bono has also decreed that we are to keep the wuhl from our eyes by practicing the burning ritual six times a daily. Through burning the grass and inhaling its fumes, we become free of the wuhl that blinds us to the injustice in the world. Our holy grasses also have many medicinal properties and help keep our people healthy, well-fed and strong. We are about to begin one of these smoke-fests, would you join us?

I could see that Black Beard was curious, so when he said, “We be tryin’ it with ye lad,” I wasn’t surprised. The Bonoban ritual begins with sacred boys retrieving their grasses from large containers. When the grass has been given to the masters, each sits forming a circular pattern, and all of the people join the formation. Then each person turns to the person on their left and asks if they will give them some holy grass. Each person says that they will, but first they must shape it into its most pious form. The masters take the Sacred Book of Bono out of their vestments, and open them and begin to sing. I cannot understand why they need the books for this, because none of the pages have any writing, and many of the pages appear to be missing.

As each master rips a page from the holy book and begins to form a log from the paper into which they stuff the grass, I begin to understand. When the request for grass is repeated by each person, the grass logs are passed around the circle until everyone has one. At this point, every person turns to the person on the left and asks them if they will split a flame with them. As the flames are split, each log ignites and the people begin smoking the logs. As I have been included in the circle, I also smoke one. The grass has a strong earthy smell and taste. The log’s smoke is unlike another tabbaca log I have ever smoked. When my log is finished, my mouth feels like it is full of sand and my beak begins to get stuck to my tongue. Vases of holy water and dew of the mountain are passed from hand to hand. I now feel an unusual tingling feeling all over my body including my brain, and my stomach feels empty. I look to Black Beard and his crew to see how they are reacting to the strange logs.

Imagine my surprise to hear Black Beard say, “Well lads, it’s time we get some breakfast together”. This was not the pirate I was expecting. No cursing, no fighting or jesting, and no attempts to remove the women’s clothing. I asked him, “When are you going to find out about the diplomats?” He replied, “I will inquire after them upon the return of Amuhl. For now we will relax and enjoy the hospitality provided by our hosts.”

After three days of these ceremonies, huge feasts, and uncontrollable laughing fits, I decided to abstain from the rituals. There is no sign of Amuhl returning anytime soon, and Black Beard does not seem concerned. I must report this to my master and ask her advice. Until Amuhl returns, I’m afraid we are all at the mercy of our hosts and their never-ending celebrations. I hope that the next entry into this logue will have some answers for the diplomats’ whereabouts, or my master may be forced to march on the Bonobans with her sucklings.

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 3

Ahoy, ye scurvy dogs! I be sendin’ ye this tale at me publisher’s request. The adventures we be havin’ on Lexapidis be far from over, but we be needin’ to report in before me publisher be getting’ too salty.

When we be hearin’ there be adventures a’plenty on the island, I be deciding to go a ‘shore with five of me crew. Since I don’t be trustin’ Missandei yet, the rest be stayin’ behind for now. The loyal crew I be takin’ with me be: Red Face the Fierce, White Fuzz the Fury, Long Ears the Lunatic, Green Ears the Wise, and Blue Beard the Bold.

White Fuzz the Fury

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Long Ears the Lunatic

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Green Ears the Wise

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Blue Beard the Bold

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We be headin’ to a place that be called Valaria with Missandei. There she be tellin’ me crew what adventures we ought to be expectin’ on Lexapidis.

When we be arrivin’ at Valaria, I be thinkin’ I never be seein’ such a place. There be gold everywhere. Folks are not bein’ as civilized as we be used to, but they be fairly close. We be walkin’ into Missandei’s place when she be noticin’ me travel logue. She be askin’ me what it be, an I be tellin’ her how I be writin’ down our adventures to be sendin’ to me publisher for gold and provisions. She be tellin’ me that some one as legendary as me needn’t be scribin’ me own adventures. She be clappin’ her hands thrice, and out walks the strangest creature I ever be seein’. She be callin’ this thing Turceda, and be tellin’ me to allow her to be scribin’ me adventures. I tell Red Fierce the Fierce to be drawin’ Turceda while Missandei be tellin’ us about her island. I be handin’ over my logue, trustin’ Turceda to be keepin’ it up. Here is the drawin’ Red Face be givin’ me:

Turceda

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Black Beard gave me the logue, although he looked very suspicious. My master Missandei is merely concerned about BB being distracted while facing the challenges she has for him on Lexapidis. BB immediately asks, “You be havin’ a map of this island.” I take one from my pocket and hand it to him, telling him it’s his to keep.

Map of Lexapidis
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After handing him a map, my master begins to tell him the history of Lexapidis:

Lexapidis was originally called Goatman-Ruff. On maps it appeared as nothing more than a large rock. The native species is a tribe of mad goat-men who call themselves Ruffians. They live mostly in the mountains because they always considered this the best part of the island. Their stronghold is called Horn’s Bluff and is located on the northeastern horn of the island.

After a time, a new tribe called the Naomidans settled Naomida east of the mountains. It was named after their founder Naoma. They were a peaceful people who were primarily shepherds. Their enormous herds of sheep wander the eastern meadows. The Ruffians did not object to their city, because the Naomidans always paid them handsomely in sheep.

After the Naomidans, a new tribe migrated to Goatman-Ruff. These people are called the Charlottans after the city they founded called Charlotta. Their city was founded on the western horn of the island. They were renowned as excellent weavers and lovers. Over time, they developed a strong relationship with the Naomidans, due to the wool/weaving trades. The Ruffians did not object to these settlers either because they paid them in woven clothing.

After the Charlottans, a tribe called the Bonobans settled the meadow island off the southern shore in the name of their god Bono. Their high priest Amuhl established a series of religious rites in praise of Bono, and all of their efforts revolve around these rites. They remained unnoticed by the Ruffians due to the lack of passage to their island.

About fifty years after Bonoba was settled, my great-grandfather Lexandei became aware of the island. At that time our native land was falling under a curse called the Great Doom. Our people were desperate to find a new place to settle away from the curse. When Lexandei found this island with its primitive people, he decided that we should be able to conquer it. Our conquest was one of survival. We also believed that we had the right to rule the island due to our superior intellect and ways of civilization. Lexandei came to the island with his three dragons: Haydis, Tatus, and Peytenis. He managed to establish Valaria, before he passed away and the work fell to my father.

We are a peaceful people at heart, and my father Rhaegandei used peaceful means to bring the Charlottans and the Naomidans under our rule. Since we built one of the greatest trade ports on the island, we enlisted the Naomidans help in establishing a trade route to Charlotta. The Naomidans proved to be excellent traders, and managed to convince the Charlottans to open their own harbor to import goods from the western lands. Now the Charlottans handle imports from the west and we handle imports from the east. My father then commissioned the Bonoba Bridge. When my father passed away, we were very hopeful that we would be able to continue our peaceful conquest with the Ruffians and the Bonobans.

Unfortunately, all hell broke loose. Naomida’s founder Naoma left two daughters behind in her passing: Allerosa and Naoma the Large. Naoma had declared that Allerosa was her rightful heir, although she was younger. This was due to her namesake’s evil practice of eating Ruffians, Charlottans, and at times Naomidans. Naoma the Large, enraged by this declaration, stole Allerosa’s Charlottan lover and devoured him. This rallied the Charlottans, now under the guidance of Willas, to Allerosa’s cause. Allerosa’s lover was Willas’s closest confidant. Naoma the Large was driven from Naomida, and established a stronghold in Ruffian territory. The Ruffians allowed this because Naoma the Large promised to cease eating Ruffians. With Naoma the Large allied with the Ruffians, Allerosa and Willas chose to cease their offerings to the Ruffians. The Ruffians’s leader, the Mad Goat, commanded Naoma the Large to raid the cities for the sheep and clothing they had lost.

I decided that we Valarians needed to lend our support to the Naomidans and the Charlottans. The Ruffians have become bold from their alliance with Naoma the Large. They have begun to attack us from the Hinder Points, which are the mountains adjoining our city, and the Mad Goat has been capturing our people. The Mad Goat has decreed that Naoma the Large is the rightful heir to Naomida, and that the Ruffians are the supreme authority on Goatman-Ruff. If we do not defeat Naoma the Large and the Mad Goat within sixty days, he will execute the hostages he has taken.

Some of our best fighters were taken in the Mad Goat’s raids. We are not strong enough to defeat the Mad Goat and Naoma the Large. I have sent many diplomats to Bonoba, but none have returned. When I saw your ship, I rushed to the harbor in hopes that the gods had sent us aid. When my dragons did not attack you and you said you were looking for adventures, I knew my prayers had been answered. Although I do not know you personally, the legendary reputation of you and your crew precedes you. Even in Lexapidis, we have heard of your might. Please help us Black Beard of the Salt Sea.

Black Beard thought about the situation for several minutes without speaking. I could tell that the glory and riches he knew he would receive were tempting him to consider my master’s request. Coming to a decision, he said “Me crew and me be delighted to be helpin’ you lass.” I could see my master was greatly relieved.

My master Missandei told him, “The first obstacle is the Bonoban diplomats who have not returned. We must have Bonoba’s support if we hope to rid ourselves of Naoma the Large and the Mad Goat. Your ship will be safe in our harbor. I will set a special force of my warriors around your ship to help the crew you decide to leave behind guard it. You must collect those you need and make your way to the straight of Utoo. There you will find the great Bonoba Bridge. You must cross it and enlist the Bonobans’s aid. Find out the fate of the diplomats we’ve sent, and have Turceda dispatch your findings to me.”

Black Beard responded, “Aye, lass. I be acceptin’ this charge. We be goin’ to Bonoba with Turceda and be reportin’ me findin’s to you directly. You be sendin’ me reports to me publisher too. That way the scurvy dog be off me back.”

They shook hands. We are setting out for Bonoba in the morning. I’m handing this report over to Black Beard now.

Turceda be tellin’ it true. We be headin’ to Bonoba at first light. I be hopin’ my black heart publisher and ye readers be join’ us. Turceda be tellin’ me tale while we be explorin’ Lexapidis. Until next time, ye crazy scalliwags.

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 2

We be three weeks now on the great Salt Sea. Finally we be thinkin’ we’d been spyin’ our first port of callin’. Or so we be thinkin’. We be movin’ closer to the berth, when we be seein’ that it actually be a small island. Then we be seein’ a sight that none of me swabs ever be dreamin’… a lass who be sucklin’ a dragon at her breast. Aye, shiver me timbers!

Me crow spotter, Red Face the Fierce, be wantin’ to get a closer look.

Red Face the Fierce

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We be sailin’ our boat closer to the island, and Red Face and me be mannin’ the small boat that be goin’ a’shore. While Red Face be usin’ his double-bladed paddle to get me closer, the draong lass be spottin’ us. She and her dragon sprog be meetin’ us on the shore.

When we be askin’ the lass the name of the island she be tellin’ us it was “Lexapdis”. Then she be wantin’ to know who we be and what we be doin’ on her island. Me tells her we be Black Beard of the Salt Sea and me spotter Red Face the Fierce. Aye, she be lookin’ surprised to be see in’ two of me legendary crew standin’ on her shore. It be only fair that we be askin’ who she be. She tells us her name be Missandei, Storm-Born, Mother of Dragons and ruler of Lexapidis.

Now Red Face and me never be meetin’ a dragon’s mother before. We asks the lass how she came to be bearin’ dragons. She tells us that she be raisin’ the dragons from the stone of her island, with fire and blood. Then she be askin’ me what we be wantin’. Me tells her we be sailin’ the Salt Sea in search of great adventures. She tells us if we be wantin’ adventure, we best be getting’ me crew a ‘shore because we be finding it.

Red Face and me be returnin’ to the ship, and I be hurryin’ to record this tale. Red Face be drawin’ the lass we be seein’, but he ain’t bein’ the best at drawin’s.

Missandei

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We’ll be goin’ a ‘shore and be seein’ what adventures we’ll be findin’ at Lexapids. Stay tuned ye scurvy dogs…

BBOTSS Travel Logue - Part 1

Ahoy mateys! Glad ye be tunin' in for the adventures I be havin'.

My first adventure be takin' place on the Great Salt Sea. Let me be tellin' ya, life on the Great Salt Sea is hard. The Salt Sea be largely unexplored, and the crew be mighty nervous. They needn't be, of course, since they be crewin' for the legendary pirate BB (me).

On our first day on the Great Salt Sea, we be hearin' some suspicious singin' off the starboard side. Me crew be thinkin' it be one of our own bein' a scalliwag. I be suspicious, however, and went to lean over the starboard side. Wouldn't you know we be hittin' a drunken mermaid. Aye, and she be a fine one too. She be so tanked on the fine rum she be drinkin' that she didn't feel not one bit of pain.

Bein' the legend I be, I untangles her fins from me fishin' net and threw her back to sea. So greatful was she, that she be takin' her shells off to flash me crew. I warned those scurvy ridden dogs that they best be mindin' me ship and not the whore's treasures. Alas, a lusty crew I be havin'. Aye, and right troublesome too.

I just heard a commotion on me deck, so I best be checkin' into it. Until next time ye scalliwags.